Removing The Net
I know I've been quiet over the past few weeks. Part of the reason is that I've stayed fairly busy. The other part is that I haven't had too much to say. Emotionally, I've been going through a transition period... a growth spurt. It's been a roller-coaster ride, with many ups and downs. I'm now ready to explain.
As most of you know, I am taking a scene study acting class with Yvonne Suhor. It's been a tremendous experience, but at the same time, an emotionally demanding one. The more I learn about Meisner and about being in "the moment", the more I am learning about myself. I mean, truly learning about myself... why I have certain tendencies, insecurities, emotional conflicts, etc. It's interesting to realize that things that I thought were resolved years ago were merely hidden down deep. And there are moments in my life that affected me so deeply (and I thought were resolved) that still affect me today - I just never connected the dots to them.
I say all this because it's an important step for me as an artist. As stated in the acclaimed book The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron, this is part of the recovery process, which will allow me to open up to the creative process. The book says:
Which brings me to my point... About three weeks ago, I was told something that has affected me very deeply. I was told that I was a "safe actor", which means that I have a tendency to play a character the "right" way instead of taking risks. The hardest part about hearing those words is the fact that they are true. I’ve been acting with a safety net.
After much soul searching, it's become so clear to me that the only thing standing in my way at this point... is me. My need to do things the "right way", along with my fear of being wrong. My need to please others, and my fear of letting people down. My need to play it safe, along with my fear of taking a risk and looking foolish.
Every now and then, you reach a turning point in your journey. An epiphany occurs. You realize a moment of truth. This is mine.
Remove the net! Bring it on!
As most of you know, I am taking a scene study acting class with Yvonne Suhor. It's been a tremendous experience, but at the same time, an emotionally demanding one. The more I learn about Meisner and about being in "the moment", the more I am learning about myself. I mean, truly learning about myself... why I have certain tendencies, insecurities, emotional conflicts, etc. It's interesting to realize that things that I thought were resolved years ago were merely hidden down deep. And there are moments in my life that affected me so deeply (and I thought were resolved) that still affect me today - I just never connected the dots to them.
I say all this because it's an important step for me as an artist. As stated in the acclaimed book The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron, this is part of the recovery process, which will allow me to open up to the creative process. The book says:
This has been a hard point for me, since I tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist. But art isn't about perfection - rather the opposite. It's about allowing yourself to be free to create. So now, my left side of my brain is conflicting with my right side - and I'm not too sure which one is winning."There will be many times when we won't look good - to ourselves or anyone else. We need to stop demanding that we do. It is impossible to get better and look good at the same time. Remember that in order to recover as an artist, you must first be willing to be a bad artist."
Which brings me to my point... About three weeks ago, I was told something that has affected me very deeply. I was told that I was a "safe actor", which means that I have a tendency to play a character the "right" way instead of taking risks. The hardest part about hearing those words is the fact that they are true. I’ve been acting with a safety net.
After much soul searching, it's become so clear to me that the only thing standing in my way at this point... is me. My need to do things the "right way", along with my fear of being wrong. My need to please others, and my fear of letting people down. My need to play it safe, along with my fear of taking a risk and looking foolish.
Every now and then, you reach a turning point in your journey. An epiphany occurs. You realize a moment of truth. This is mine.
Remove the net! Bring it on!
posted by Marco DiGeorge at 10:55 AM
4 Comments:
Someone needs a hug. Or a tall glass of Kool-Aid. Or a hug while drinking a tall glass of Kool-Aid.
Here is a hug from afar. It sounds like a very cathartic period for you and definitely one that needed to happen. It's amazing how things seem to happen in layers. You mentioned that you thought some things had been dealt with years ago. It probably would have been too difficult to completely deal with them at that point. Instead, they simmered under the surface until you were ready. And now, you are, and you will come out empowered on the other side. Always the best, Amy
I've always found it helps to write. When I wrote my memoir, Lost in Foreign Passions, for example, some amazing things happened. First of all, I'd come back from Iran deeply traumatized and my memory had a lot of inexplicable holes in it. Weirdly so. I wrote circles around those holes and, bizarrely, started getting flashbacks so powerful that I'd have to stop and go for a coffee break, a long walk, whatever, just get away for a while, calm down, then go back. Needless to say, I found all the missing pieces of myself as surely as through regressive hypnosis. I learned a balance and self cohehesion I'd never learned before and, in the process, became more confident in my own instincts. And I healed.
Writing things down was not simply recording them, but putting them out of my brooding mind. Sounds like the program you're in might be doing something like that for you. I hope so. It's a rough process, but well worth all that it will put you through to get where you need to go.
Wow Marco. I knew you were going through it, but I had no idea how comtemplative you are...of course I should have since we share so many of the same traits. Anyway, I am so glad to see that you are taking this journey and paying attention along the way. "Good Awareness," as Yvonne would say. It is a bumpy road, but one that holds many rewards at the end...and they just keep coming (I'm still in the process of discovery too). I know I thought I was going crazy for a while. It will pass. And you will find such joy in the freedom you experience, you'll wonder how you ever did it any other way. Also, on a more personal note, I am so thrilled that I have had the honor of getting to know you. You've become a trusted friend. You really are a special person and one that I am proud to know. Your thoughtfulness, kindness, and gentle way are such a blessing and I can see that I'm not alone in my opinion of you. Reading others' comments about you just reaffirms what I have already come to know. I'm also happy that you are making such strides in your artistic development. I am looking so forward to working with you again this month...it's always a great experience and I know no matter how much I tell you, you aren't quite ready to hear how much I respect you and your artistic expression, so I will save that for another time...LOL.. Hugs to Kelly and Leisa. Ciao.
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